It's early evening at my corner shop on a Friday night.
The man (boy?) in front of me - blonde, faintly tanned, three quarter length shorts in a garish shade of pink doubtless professing his comfortableness with traditionally feminine colours - is wielding a very large bottle of something resembling diluted urine and seven bananas.
As the shop assistant swivels this oversized receptacle to flash it over the barcoder reader, my worst fears are realised: it is a 1.5 litre bottle of Lambrini. And I can see from the till display that it's costing him the equivalent of a couple of lottery tickets. Egads.
I'm thinking: here we have a beer drinker who has been asked out to A Girl's House for dinner. He's probably decided: girl's house for dinner? Must Take Wine. Don't know wine. Only know beer. Want to look generous. Have limited budget. Woooooo! A big bottle of wine for £2.75? T'rrific! (Oh. And need bananas for tomorrow's hangover. Replace lost potassium. Seven??)
I want to say: NOT LAMBRINI! Jesus, no! No gal is gonna respect you for turning up with a giant sized bottle of fizzy urine! If you can't stretch to a regular sized bottle of something from one of those countries who've recently joined the EU, then for God's sake, just take a four pack of Guinness. OR EVEN STELLA!
But of course, I say nothing. I buy my two pack of Gu chocolate souffles and emergency can of Coke and get the heck home.
He says: So! Are you planning on remaining a Full [pause for dramatic effect] Time [pause for dramatic effect] Mum for the forseeable future?
I hear: So! Are you planning on remaining a (More) Fool (You) Time Mum for the forseeable future?(!)*
I want to say: Man, am I ever! I just adore
the high status accorded Fool Time Mumhood by so-sigh-it-ee! And the support we get from some corners of the sisterhood for the choice we have made to stay at home with our children? Hell! That's just a bonus. And you know how everyone jokes that our brains must be mush on account of talking about human excrement all day? That is so funny
What I actually say: Yes.
* optional exclamation mark was purely my (most likely correct) interpretation of his tone